Misc Jokes

[firestorm_al]

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," the patient replied. "But she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

"Okay," the man said with a smile. "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."




A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."




DOCTORS HAVE GOOD STORIES, TOO..!!


A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

I was performing a complete physical including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the obvious!


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long since you have been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled KY JELLY.


A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.




A Yankee is visiting Texas, and attended a Chili Cook-Off. While standing at the judges table asking directions to the beer wagon, one of the original three judges called in sick at the last moment. The Yankee, by the name of Fred, was immediately asked if he would replace the sick judge. The two other judges (native Texans) assured him that the chili wouldn't be that spicy, plus you get free beer while judging, so he accepted. The following are the scorecards for the event:

Clili 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili.
Judge one: A little too heavy on tomato. Amazing kick.
Judge two: Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Fred: Holy sh1t, what the hell was that stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili 2: Aurthurs Afterburner Chili.
Judge one: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jajapeno tang.
Judge two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Frod: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to be tasting besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my my face.

Chili 3: Frank's Famous Burn Down the Barn Clili.
Judge one: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Fred: Call the EPA, I've located a urnamium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the drill by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all the beer.

Clili 4: Bubba;s Black Magic.
Judge one: Black beans with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge two: Hint of lime on the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Fred: I fent something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That ugly bitch is starting to look HOT, just like the nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover.
Judge one: Meaty strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding a slight kick. Very impressive.
Judge two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a statement.
Fred: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from burning by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I am burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety.
Judge one: Thin yet bold vegatarian chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
Judge two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Fred" My intestines are now a streight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric fumes. I sh1t myself when I farted and I'm afraid it will eat through the chair, no one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally, she must be kinkier that I thought. Can't feel my lips
Any more. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili &: Susans Screaming Sensation Chili.
Judge one: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in the can of chili peppers at the last minute. I should be worried about Judge number three. He appears to be in a bit of distress and is cursing uncontrollably.
Fred: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I have lost the sight in my right eye, and the world sounds like it is made of running water. I pissed my pants and think I have second-degree burns in my crotch and down both legs. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed from my mouth. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili.
Judge one: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend of chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge two: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild not hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number three passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make ir. Poor Yankee, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
Fred:-------Unable to report....