Tommy Cooperism's

[iggy1966]

>Tommy Cooperisms;
>
>1. Phone answering machine message -
>"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
>
>2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
>The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>
>3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
>
>4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
>He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
>
>5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
> A strong currant pulled him in..
>
>6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
>"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
>The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
>
>7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
>8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
>They lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
>proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
>
>9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
>10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
>Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>
>11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
>"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
>"Is it common? "
>"It's not unusual."
>
>12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
>"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
>
>"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
>
>So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
>
>Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
>
>"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
>
>"No, because he's really heavy"
>
>13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
>"How's that?"
>"Don't you start."
>
>14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
>15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
>
>16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
>I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
>17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
>There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
>It's either my mum or my dad.
>Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
>But I think it's Colin.
>
>18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
>The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
>
>19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
>
>20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
>They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
>
>21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
>The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"