Tourettes

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iggy1966
Posts: 2052
Joined: Mon Jan 06, 2003 9:05 am
Location: Hull (Cottingham)

Tourettes

Post by iggy1966 »

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of
Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'F*cking get in there you c*nt !' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the f*cking manager of this pigs sh*t middle class w*nkhole please you salad tossing pig
f*cker !', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
'Can I help you sir ?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert in
the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top
class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly
melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called ?'
'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just mac fluid in
your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".
'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears.
The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called
"Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*tbox you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles ?'
'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece",
or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your
songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your
songs or speak to the audience.'
'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd is lapping up his repertoire and
his silence is being perceived as modesty.
The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in
a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a
plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the
bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced
over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says.
'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,
'I f*cking wrote it !!!'
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
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cupasoop
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Location: Ayrshire, Scotland

Post by cupasoop »

That almost made coffe come out of my nose :oops:

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Rich.

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sirch345
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Posts: 21856
Joined: Mon Aug 25, 2003 10:35 pm
Location: The West Country.

Post by sirch345 »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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logan7
Posts: 285
Joined: Sun Feb 20, 2005 10:17 am
Location: doncaster
Contact:

Post by logan7 »

LOL :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: class :twisted:
The force is strong in this one
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tony.wilde1
Posts: 2230
Joined: Thu Apr 10, 2003 9:32 pm
Location: sussex

Post by tony.wilde1 »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
ImageImageImageImage
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Badger
Posts: 376
Joined: Sat Aug 30, 2003 8:42 pm
Location: Halesowen West Mids

Post by Badger »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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yellafella
Posts: 1276
Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2004 9:58 am
Location: Middlesbrough

Post by yellafella »

8O 8O :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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gcs
Posts: 365
Joined: Tue Apr 11, 2006 7:07 am
Location: New Zealand

Post by gcs »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Craig from the land of the long white cloud. Teal VTR 2001.
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BigD
Posts: 167
Joined: Mon Mar 21, 2005 7:08 pm
Location: Lancs

Post by BigD »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: I've got a client due in 2 mins and I'm still crying
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simon t
Posts: 441
Joined: Sun Sep 28, 2003 9:43 pm
Location: Chauvac, South of France

Post by simon t »

On a similar theme, here's me on my Easter hols

http://www.vtr1000.org/cpg/displayimage ... m=3&pos=30
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yellafella
Posts: 1276
Joined: Tue Sep 21, 2004 9:58 am
Location: Middlesbrough

Post by yellafella »

LOL @ Simon !!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
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nobby50
Posts: 103
Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2003 11:33 pm
Location: Roxburghshire

Post by nobby50 »

:cry: :cry: :cry: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
It might be old, but it still kicks ass !
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